Money And Relationships…Or Money Ends Relationships

If I lose my fame and fortune
(It really don’t matter)
And I’m homeless on the streets
And I’m sleeping in Grand Central Station (okay)
It’s okay if you’re sleeping with me (baby)

The part that Whitney Houston forgot to mention is when a decent looking guy came by on his way to the No. 6 train, treated her nicely and offered her an opportunity to sleep in a real bed and enjoy a happy life with him in the suburbs, poor Wyclef found himself sleeping alone.

I’m only partly joking.  The truth of the matter is that money matters more in relationships than people think.  Romantics believe that love conquers all, but lack of money will tend to kill that love, and in the scenario I painted above, Whitney wouldn’t be doing a bad thing if she decided to better her life in some way.  Money says a lot about people and in a sense pulls the curtain back on a relationship, exposing all of its ugly underbelly.

It wasn’t always that way.  Growing up, I could get away with not having money.  It’s romantic to sit in each others’ arms and watch movies on the couch together.  It’s ok to just hang out in the park.  It’s ok to enjoy a McDonald’s burger and share some fries. But then you get older.

At first, you upscale only a little bit.  You now have a job, but you have the excuse that you’re paying for college, so while you can’t do major restaurants, you sacrifice Wendy’s for some Chinese food.  Instead of movies on the couch, you actually go to the movie theater.  Instead of hanging out at the park, you go ice skating together…or something like that.  But the more things evolve, the more the dates do, too.

I dated this one girl in college. The first time, we just hung out at the Barnes & Noble, played a quick game of pool and got a small bite to eat.  The next time, I took her to the movies and walked her home.  It was all good, but she had other plans.  For our third date, she literally told me she wanted me to take her to a five-star restaurant.  Wendy’s wasn’t five-star?  I had to determine if I would buy that video game or go fancy.  I bought the video game.  I was only 20 and never had to prove myself to earn nookie?

Thankfully, I had a credit card and could take her out to a nice restaurant, which she still criticized as not being starry enough.  After a nice meal, she invited me back to her place to…MEET HER PARENTS. Sigh.  I did get a kiss.  I have never kissed a dead fish before, but I think that was a safe comparison.  It was cold and unemotional and I ended up leaving this amazing looking woman with no sense of sexuality behind as I headed back home to the Bronx, a little broker and a little less…ummm…fulfilled than I thought I would be.  I realized that I needed to break up with her and I did it the best way I knew how – I told her I was broke…and it worked.

In the past, I have come across women who have approached me, because I assume I looked attractive to them. The subject of money can have differing results. An ex-girlfriend liked my title – Managing Editor – and seemed almost a little too eager to have me pay for everything.  Managing editors for a local newspaper do not make money.  Still, there is a difference between a guy paying because it’s the right thing to do and a girl making sure the guy will pay without even giving him a chance to step up.  Another woman was upset that I was making a journalist’s salary and quickly decided my only other purpose in life was to install her air conditioner.  She was hot and she stayed hot, because I had no money and I had no desire to install anything.

I have watched a co-worker drop everything she was doing because she heard a single man at the bar was a doctor.  This was sight unseen.  He could have been ugly, but money, like beer, makes people a little more attractive. I’ve watched women date the ugliest men who happen to be rich.  They will even turn a blind eye if that man cheats on her for fear of giving up their new found wealth.  It’s almost disgusting.  Money should never be a factor in love…except:

My wife and I talk about our finances regularly.  Both of us pull our own weight.  We pay for our share of the bills.  We pay an equal amount when it comes to rent.  She dated me when I was a lowly journalist and continued with me for several years, even during my bout with unemployment.  She encourages me when I think about advancing my career and I encourage her with her business.

Do we argue about money?  Yes.  Is it because we’re looking for a free ride?  No.  It’s because we want to have a happy future together.  We are a team.  While she encourages me to take a job that pays more, she puts in a little more effort to make additional money at her own job. We live by example.  No one is trying to get over on the other.  We are doing our best to make sure a terrible financial situation, like the kind that has been plaguing marriages greatly over the last few years, doesn’t affect us. Money does matter, but it should not be the determining factor.  It should be something a couple works at together.

So, why would a couple sleep together in Grand Central station?  In a situation involving true love, a man or woman would follow their significant other in the worst of times as long as they both worked hard to try and improve their situation.  People who hit hard times, but continue to try hard to support their family are still attractive and worth spending the rest of our lives with.   The lazy bum who doesn’t want to find work or does the absolute minimum just to get by is someone who is legitimately unattractive, because that person is not just costing his or her family money, they are hurting the family’s future.  That is a relationship not worth pursuing.

It’s not the money that is breaking them up, it’s the money that’s uncovering the problems in the relationship.  Who wants to be with someone who shows no drive?  Who wants to be with someone that doesn’t care about a couple’s future and just believes things will work out on their own?  Who wants to be with someone who acts like the world owes him or her something?  That is when money matters.  That’s when it is acceptable to break up over money.  But to avoid someone because they are blue collar or work more than one job to make ends meet and aren’t a doctor – well the problem isn’t really money is it?

Disclaimer: Based on an astute observation made by one of my readers, I need to point out that my blogs are based on my own experiences.  However, men are equally guilty of the behaviors I described above. 

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Old Man Wisdom: The Job Search is Like Dating

Look how sexy I look for my date…or job interview.

The job market is no laughing matter…until you decide to make fun of it – then it’s pretty damn funny.

Take the actual job search, for instance.  I have had to embark on several major job searches in my lifetime.  Most often, I have been fortunate to have a job whilst looking for another, but at least one time, I embarked on a six-month job search that tested my patience and my self worth.  And then it hit me.  The emotional turmoil that my psyche goes through during the job search are the exact same feelings I have experienced when looking for a girlfriend.

It’s true.  Really think about it for a second and if you still dispute my claim, read below and then tell me I’m wrong.

Wandering Eye.  After a long-term commitment with one firm, you become bored. Suddenly, other companies become more attractive – those amazing six-figures and their sexy healthcare package. It’s hard not to be seduced, especially with your current employer always claiming they have a headache when you ask for a promotion or a raise.  You want to stay committed to your current work relationship, but it’s just not working out and you realize your happiness should come first and foremost.

Temptation Wins Out.  You start going out…with other recruiters. Your current bosses are suspicious, asking why you had the equivalent of lip-stick on your collar – dress clothes you haven’t worn in years. You begin hiding the evidence, telling your boss you would be “home” late, or not even coming in at all, as your “cheating” reaches new levels with each meeting.  You feel a little guilty, even paranoid, and while you could just quit your job if you’re not happy, you can’t face life being alone…I mean…without work.  It’s the sex…um…the paycheck that keeps you tied to your current position, so you can only leave when the time is right.

Rebound. You give your employer the speech.  “I love working here.  It’s not you.  It’s me.  I am just looking for something else.”  You give them two weeks’ notice (this part will never happen in a relationship…stop dreaming).  You have one last really good…moment together, and then you move on.  You start the new job and things are great.  You come home whistling after an exhilarating day at the office, trying new things and realizing what you have been missing from your previous employer.  But then, your new company lets their flaws show – snoring, farting, itching, overworking you, holding you back, saddling you with grunt work. It was a good fling while it lasted – the grass is always greener on the other side, isn’t it?

Single and Ready to Mingle.  I’m not going to let one company control me.  I’m my own boss.  So, you begin freelancing. Sometimes, you work two assignments in the same day; working so late you perform the dreadful walk of shame home at 6 a.m. in the same clothes you wore to work a day earlier. But then you begin to miss the gentle caress of health insurance and you decide to find the warm embrace of commitment once more.

Back on the Market.  You get to work making that resume one sexy piece of paper – shaving and clipping things down a bit until it is just right.  You buy that professional looking suit and prepare to lie your butt off if that’s what you need to do to land the job.  The job search is easy, like going to a bar and looking around, but when you start scanning the right hotties and start making your move; things get a little harder.

Desperation.  You give out your number and then wait patiently at home hoping the phone will ring. Taking matters into your own hands, you send out emails, letting companies know you are still interested in them and waiting for an opportunity to take the next step in the process. “I really liked you and am looking forward to advancing to the next step of our relationship.”  You know your hot, so you wouldn’t understand why your come-on is a little off-putting.

No Second Date.  Occasionally, a company will call you back and tell you they had time for an interview, but there is no attraction on their end. You think, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and so you keep the search going, but after awhile, the rejection gets to you…you’re almost willing to take the ugly job that won’t work hard to satisfy you. You don’t want to get in bed with a company and do all the work with no reward in the end.  Where’s your happy ending in that?

Wedded Bliss.  So, you keep searching until you find the company you have been looking for.  You checked them out and they did a solid up-and-down glance in your direction.  It starts off slow with a probationary period, but eventually, you are staying until all hours of the night.  You bring work home.  You have work with you on the weekends.  Before you know it, you are married to your job. This is the one.  You talk about the job with your friends and family.  Everyone is so happy.

Or not. Another company checks out your profile and wants to connect. Look at the legs on that firm! It starts all over again.

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