Old Man Wisdom: The Job Search is Like Dating

Look how sexy I look for my date…or job interview.

The job market is no laughing matter…until you decide to make fun of it – then it’s pretty damn funny.

Take the actual job search, for instance.  I have had to embark on several major job searches in my lifetime.  Most often, I have been fortunate to have a job whilst looking for another, but at least one time, I embarked on a six-month job search that tested my patience and my self worth.  And then it hit me.  The emotional turmoil that my psyche goes through during the job search are the exact same feelings I have experienced when looking for a girlfriend.

It’s true.  Really think about it for a second and if you still dispute my claim, read below and then tell me I’m wrong.

Wandering Eye.  After a long-term commitment with one firm, you become bored. Suddenly, other companies become more attractive – those amazing six-figures and their sexy healthcare package. It’s hard not to be seduced, especially with your current employer always claiming they have a headache when you ask for a promotion or a raise.  You want to stay committed to your current work relationship, but it’s just not working out and you realize your happiness should come first and foremost.

Temptation Wins Out.  You start going out…with other recruiters. Your current bosses are suspicious, asking why you had the equivalent of lip-stick on your collar – dress clothes you haven’t worn in years. You begin hiding the evidence, telling your boss you would be “home” late, or not even coming in at all, as your “cheating” reaches new levels with each meeting.  You feel a little guilty, even paranoid, and while you could just quit your job if you’re not happy, you can’t face life being alone…I mean…without work.  It’s the sex…um…the paycheck that keeps you tied to your current position, so you can only leave when the time is right.

Rebound. You give your employer the speech.  “I love working here.  It’s not you.  It’s me.  I am just looking for something else.”  You give them two weeks’ notice (this part will never happen in a relationship…stop dreaming).  You have one last really good…moment together, and then you move on.  You start the new job and things are great.  You come home whistling after an exhilarating day at the office, trying new things and realizing what you have been missing from your previous employer.  But then, your new company lets their flaws show – snoring, farting, itching, overworking you, holding you back, saddling you with grunt work. It was a good fling while it lasted – the grass is always greener on the other side, isn’t it?

Single and Ready to Mingle.  I’m not going to let one company control me.  I’m my own boss.  So, you begin freelancing. Sometimes, you work two assignments in the same day; working so late you perform the dreadful walk of shame home at 6 a.m. in the same clothes you wore to work a day earlier. But then you begin to miss the gentle caress of health insurance and you decide to find the warm embrace of commitment once more.

Back on the Market.  You get to work making that resume one sexy piece of paper – shaving and clipping things down a bit until it is just right.  You buy that professional looking suit and prepare to lie your butt off if that’s what you need to do to land the job.  The job search is easy, like going to a bar and looking around, but when you start scanning the right hotties and start making your move; things get a little harder.

Desperation.  You give out your number and then wait patiently at home hoping the phone will ring. Taking matters into your own hands, you send out emails, letting companies know you are still interested in them and waiting for an opportunity to take the next step in the process. “I really liked you and am looking forward to advancing to the next step of our relationship.”  You know your hot, so you wouldn’t understand why your come-on is a little off-putting.

No Second Date.  Occasionally, a company will call you back and tell you they had time for an interview, but there is no attraction on their end. You think, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and so you keep the search going, but after awhile, the rejection gets to you…you’re almost willing to take the ugly job that won’t work hard to satisfy you. You don’t want to get in bed with a company and do all the work with no reward in the end.  Where’s your happy ending in that?

Wedded Bliss.  So, you keep searching until you find the company you have been looking for.  You checked them out and they did a solid up-and-down glance in your direction.  It starts off slow with a probationary period, but eventually, you are staying until all hours of the night.  You bring work home.  You have work with you on the weekends.  Before you know it, you are married to your job. This is the one.  You talk about the job with your friends and family.  Everyone is so happy.

Or not. Another company checks out your profile and wants to connect. Look at the legs on that firm! It starts all over again.

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Innocence Lost

Young, naive, and never knowing what the future holds.

It’s a sad truth, but everything we do in life is geared toward money. We’re not allowed to dream anymore. Reality has reared its ugly head and as I get older and realize retirement is unlikely in this economy, I long for the days of my youth when we could be innocent and, in most cases, ignorant, of the world around us.

For my generation, the youth did not get too caught up in the commercialization of the world.  We didn’t have to have the latest fashion or newest video games.  Sure, there was poverty around us and certain friends had far less and I certainly didn’t have what others did, but we lived in the life we grew up in; no questions asked.  I could keep myself entertained for hours, just throwing a blue ball against the stoop.  The only stress I had was school.  Life was pretty easy when you didn’t have to think about it too much.

I can trace back the moment my innocence started to be compromised when I found out Santa Claus wasn’t real.  I had gone sneaking around and discovered a Christmas gift that would later come from Santa Claus.  Feeling brilliant in my deduction skills, I called my parents out on this heinous lie and discovered the truth.  The next Christmas, I received far less gifts than I had in the past.  Maybe I was too brilliant.  My discovery about Santa Claus led to even more discoveries about fabled things I had only seen on television shows – rent, bills, mortgages, grocery bills, college tuition.  Now, when I threw Double Stuff Oreo Cookies into my mother’s cart at the supermarket, I was doing so at the expense of my education.  What the H?!

When I was in high school, I did what I could to make money without actually getting a job.  I received an allowance, lunch money I never used for lunch, and extra money I negotiated from my parents for picking my sister up after school.  I would take all this money, coupled with loose change I “forgot” to give my mom when buying milk (oh stop – we all did it) and blow it all on comics.  I learned that I had to buy my own things, but never learned why I needed to save money.  Why save for later when you can have things now?

And then I discovered girls.  I’m not talking about playground girls we kiss one day and shove off the swings the next.  I’m talking about the real deal, complete with unsatisfied expectations.  My first real date was on Valentine’s Day.  I thought McDonald’s might not be romantic enough and took her to a diner, instead. But hamburgers and fries (she ordered a soda, too – that bitch!) cost money.  The cash I needed to pay for this meal came from the kind generosity of my father who knew the value of money when it came to getting some nookie.  And I didn’t even have to pay back his loan.  I received a financial bailout that would have made General Motors jealous (Suckas!).

And then there was college.  I took what my parents saved and had to pay for the rest.  The bill was over $1,600 each semester.  I went to CUNY.  Back then, it was actually affordable.  But for me, it was the highest price tag I had ever seen.  I had never even had to pay for anything in triple digits before.  This was a shock to the system and the first realization that I needed to get a job, which I did.  The Bank of Mom and Dad closed down for good, and so in addition to college, I had to pay for clothes, a new laptop, social gatherings with friends, dates and frivolous things we wonder why we ever bought in the first place.  But even as I was doling out cash, I still didn’t really understand the value of money yet.  I always thought the “real world” and the jobs I earned through my education would take care of my needs.  That’s not the way it works at all.

I dreamed of being a writer and earned a degree as a journalist.  But writing doesn’t pay the bills even when you get promoted to management.  It took me eight years to earn less than what I earned when I took an entry-level position in public relations.  What if I had majored in computer programming or business law?  Why did I earn a degree to become a journalist?  Bloggers call themselves journalists and they didn’t need a piece of paper to make this declaration. Suddenly, I felt like I had made a huge mistake with my life.

We’re no longer allowed to do what we love unless we play a sport, sing or act.  We grow up with dreams and aspirations, but dreams and aspirations don’t pay the bills.  They don’t put food on the table, buy a house, pay a mortgage or feed and clothe a baby.  They certainly don’t pay for weddings, trips, or a romantic evening at a nice restaurant.  It was at this moment, when I turned 30, that my innocence was completely lost.  And that’s the saddest truth of all.

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Is There Such a Thing as Post Unemployment Stress Disorder?

Working late for bucks’ sake.

I’m stressed.  Today, everyday.  I’m worried that the past will repeat itself.

This fear is always in the back of my mind.  It creeps in as I sit in my cubicle, working, wondering if I am good enough.  And it’s there when I sit at home, contemplating whether or not writing a blog is the best use of my skills.  And as I get older and face new responsibilities, it only gets worse.

I’m scared of losing my job.  And the fear eats at me.

What if I can’t support my future wife and children?   Do all adults have this fear?   I’m assuming it’s common, especially with unemployment at 8.1%.  It’s the kind of fear you can only experience when you realize you haven’t really been planning for a future that is already upon you.  And for me, it’s a fear I have already realized and am so scared of experiencing again.

It was 2008, and just as things were looking up, the bottom fell out.

I had taken a big risk.  After eight years of playing it safe at the same job I had since college, I decided to embark on a new career path.  It meant more money, new responsibilities, better experience and an overall positive boost to my self esteem.  It felt good to walk taller, feel important and be excited about what the future held.  But the future was a fiscal crisis not seen since the days of the Great Depression and the six-month job that would serve as a pathway to brand new opportunities, instead led me to the possibility of self-destruction.

In 2009, I was unemployed with no hope for tomorrow.

Unemployment was actually the best thing that happened for my future.  However, at the time, it was the worst feeling in the world.  Your manhood takes a serious hit.  I know we are living in a new world, but I still feel that the man should be the breadwinner in the family.  I know I don’t have to support my girlfriend (she does very well on her own), but that’s how I feel, and it’s that thought that made me live with so much regret.  Why take risks?  Why not play it safe?

And as one job opening after another slipped through my fingers, I wondered, why am I such a failure?

I could barely look at myself in the mirror.  I didn’t like the reflection of imperfection staring back at me.  I couldn’t look at my girlfriend.  I felt like I was letting her down.  What was wrong with me?  How could a college graduate with a proven track record of success not actually succeed when I needed to the most?  My life would become one roller coaster ride of shame and doubt with a few glimmers of hope that would be snuffed as fast as they were ignited.

And then the emptiness was filled.

After almost a year of taking on any and all freelance opportunities that came my way, in February 2010, I was finally working full-time again. It felt good to be back behind a desk, typing away on my computer, taking phone calls, being creative and fraternizing with co-workers.  I could walk by a mirror and smile at my reflection; proud of the fighter that stood before me.  And I could look at my girlfriend and feel like a man again.  I remember that first paycheck I received…it went to groceries to fill a refrigerator that had been neglected.  I literally put food on the table and it felt good.

But the memory remains.  I have post unemployment stress disorder.

Even though I had a full-time job, I continued to say yes to every freelance opportunity that came my way, no matter how little it paid.  I did so out of fear.  I couldn’t stop myself.  What if I lost my job again?  It doesn’t matter how successful I am.  It didn’t matter in the past.  I felt and continue to feel that I have to keep working as much as I can to make money now before the bottom drops out again.

I literally have no time for a personal life.

Every time I read the news, some company is laying off 1,000′s even as the president touts continued economic improvements.  I know the truth.  I am getting older and getting older means being less desirable in the already shrinking job market.  Companies are learning how to do more with less and doing it a little too well if you ask me.  And technology is getting rid of jobs left and right.  Add that to the extra mouth or mouths I might have to feed one day, the shrinking social security,  and the real possibility of another recession during my 40′s – I have to work more while I still can.

But at what cost?

I don’t get to enjoy the little things in life, like hanging out with friends, enjoying a movie, reading a book, going to the gym  or even putting forth all the effort I should when it comes to planning my wedding.  And if I divert my attention away from my work, an overwhelming sense of guilt takes over.  I never want to feel the way I did when I was unemployed.  Failure is not an option and the fear of failure dictates everything.

Why should the past hold such a strong grip on my future?  Why can’t I just live in the moment?

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