Movies and Violence – Sometimes the Easy Answer is Not the Best Answer

As a result of the Sandy Hook shootings and other horrific crimes from 2012, there is a huge debate over whether actions portrayed in movies and video games can lead people to commit violent acts in real life. Let’s be honest here – yes, the scenes of extreme violence in such films as Django Unchained and video games like Grand Theft Auto can indeed cause some people to go out and kill.

“Some people” is the key phrase here. Some people also have an intolerance for milk and some people have an allergy to peanuts. However, we are not taking milk or peanuts off store shelves and the same should be said about movies and video games. Now, I don’t mean to trivialize matters and dumb it down, but there is some truth to this analogy. You can’t punish the masses for only the few.

I think people like to bring up movies and video games as a way to change the real subjects:

• Violent individuals are finding it easy to get their hands on the tools they need to commit violent acts.
• The art of parenting is almost non-existent.

The fight for stronger gun control is an argument I honestly do not want to get involved in. On one hand, I do think it should be a lot harder for people to get their hands on military weapons. On the other hand, I don’t know if I like the idea that the government can control a bunch of men with military assault rifles while I can only get a pea shooter. I’m not saying the New World Order conspiracy theory is true, but there is a little reality in the show Revolution – that imbalance in firepower is dangerous.

The real argument I would like to tackle is the idea that parents should take more control over their children. We all read the blog, I am Adam Lanza’s Mother, and I totally understand where women like the author are coming from.  Dealing with a special needs child is probably the most difficult undertaking for any family to handle.  However, read the blog and notice she takes real responsibility for her child.  She makes an effort.  Her child is not being ignored. So many other parents use media as a scapegoat while letting the television babysit their child.

Children need discipline.  They don’t need a mommy and daddy who want to be friends with their children.  They need someone to look up to…someone who teaches them right from wrong.  They need parents who do not laugh and reminisce about the days of smoking pot and getting into fights when they were younger, like it was a badge of honor that their children might want to earn themselves.

And when it comes to television, movies and video games, they need a parent who will take ratings on violent programs very seriously and not as a mere suggestion. As kid friendly as Batman may appear to be, the PG-13 rating means no child under 13 should really be watching it without parent supervision.  The same can be said for video games with a Mature rating.  It’s almost common sense.

For the record, supervision doesn’t mean just watching the program and sharing in on the excitement with some high-fives and “whoa…cool” remarks. You have to pay attention to the programs your child watches and explain how certain scenes might look cool on the screen, but on the screen, they should remain. If your child starts displaying an alarming change in his or her behavior, further explanation might suffice, but you should be prepared to cut them off from such violent programs until they display more maturity.

I grew up watching violent movies.  I enjoyed some violent video games.  I did not go out and kill anybody to mimic what I saw on the screen.  Perhaps I was smart enough to understand that what I saw on the tube was an escape from reality just like a good book (how come no one is going out demanding that we ban violent books?) or maybe it is that my parents took the time to be involved in my viewing habits and made sure I stayed on the straight and narrow (for the most part).

Yes, there are some kids who believe everything they see on TV is real and become enamored by the guns, the fights and the body count; those who will ignore their parents and find ways to get around even the strictest regulations in order to view the carnage and act out against others, but those are the exception to the rule.  Good parenting, gun regulations that are directed at the mentally unstable population and better funding for mental health institutions are the answer. It’s just easier to blame everything on the TV.

Money And Relationships…Or Money Ends Relationships

If I lose my fame and fortune
(It really don’t matter)
And I’m homeless on the streets
And I’m sleeping in Grand Central Station (okay)
It’s okay if you’re sleeping with me (baby)

The part that Whitney Houston forgot to mention is when a decent looking guy came by on his way to the No. 6 train, treated her nicely and offered her an opportunity to sleep in a real bed and enjoy a happy life with him in the suburbs, poor Wyclef found himself sleeping alone.

I’m only partly joking.  The truth of the matter is that money matters more in relationships than people think.  Romantics believe that love conquers all, but lack of money will tend to kill that love, and in the scenario I painted above, Whitney wouldn’t be doing a bad thing if she decided to better her life in some way.  Money says a lot about people and in a sense pulls the curtain back on a relationship, exposing all of its ugly underbelly.

It wasn’t always that way.  Growing up, I could get away with not having money.  It’s romantic to sit in each others’ arms and watch movies on the couch together.  It’s ok to just hang out in the park.  It’s ok to enjoy a McDonald’s burger and share some fries. But then you get older.

At first, you upscale only a little bit.  You now have a job, but you have the excuse that you’re paying for college, so while you can’t do major restaurants, you sacrifice Wendy’s for some Chinese food.  Instead of movies on the couch, you actually go to the movie theater.  Instead of hanging out at the park, you go ice skating together…or something like that.  But the more things evolve, the more the dates do, too.

I dated this one girl in college. The first time, we just hung out at the Barnes & Noble, played a quick game of pool and got a small bite to eat.  The next time, I took her to the movies and walked her home.  It was all good, but she had other plans.  For our third date, she literally told me she wanted me to take her to a five-star restaurant.  Wendy’s wasn’t five-star?  I had to determine if I would buy that video game or go fancy.  I bought the video game.  I was only 20 and never had to prove myself to earn nookie?

Thankfully, I had a credit card and could take her out to a nice restaurant, which she still criticized as not being starry enough.  After a nice meal, she invited me back to her place to…MEET HER PARENTS. Sigh.  I did get a kiss.  I have never kissed a dead fish before, but I think that was a safe comparison.  It was cold and unemotional and I ended up leaving this amazing looking woman with no sense of sexuality behind as I headed back home to the Bronx, a little broker and a little less…ummm…fulfilled than I thought I would be.  I realized that I needed to break up with her and I did it the best way I knew how – I told her I was broke…and it worked.

In the past, I have come across women who have approached me, because I assume I looked attractive to them. The subject of money can have differing results. An ex-girlfriend liked my title – Managing Editor – and seemed almost a little too eager to have me pay for everything.  Managing editors for a local newspaper do not make money.  Still, there is a difference between a guy paying because it’s the right thing to do and a girl making sure the guy will pay without even giving him a chance to step up.  Another woman was upset that I was making a journalist’s salary and quickly decided my only other purpose in life was to install her air conditioner.  She was hot and she stayed hot, because I had no money and I had no desire to install anything.

I have watched a co-worker drop everything she was doing because she heard a single man at the bar was a doctor.  This was sight unseen.  He could have been ugly, but money, like beer, makes people a little more attractive. I’ve watched women date the ugliest men who happen to be rich.  They will even turn a blind eye if that man cheats on her for fear of giving up their new found wealth.  It’s almost disgusting.  Money should never be a factor in love…except:

My wife and I talk about our finances regularly.  Both of us pull our own weight.  We pay for our share of the bills.  We pay an equal amount when it comes to rent.  She dated me when I was a lowly journalist and continued with me for several years, even during my bout with unemployment.  She encourages me when I think about advancing my career and I encourage her with her business.

Do we argue about money?  Yes.  Is it because we’re looking for a free ride?  No.  It’s because we want to have a happy future together.  We are a team.  While she encourages me to take a job that pays more, she puts in a little more effort to make additional money at her own job. We live by example.  No one is trying to get over on the other.  We are doing our best to make sure a terrible financial situation, like the kind that has been plaguing marriages greatly over the last few years, doesn’t affect us. Money does matter, but it should not be the determining factor.  It should be something a couple works at together.

So, why would a couple sleep together in Grand Central station?  In a situation involving true love, a man or woman would follow their significant other in the worst of times as long as they both worked hard to try and improve their situation.  People who hit hard times, but continue to try hard to support their family are still attractive and worth spending the rest of our lives with.   The lazy bum who doesn’t want to find work or does the absolute minimum just to get by is someone who is legitimately unattractive, because that person is not just costing his or her family money, they are hurting the family’s future.  That is a relationship not worth pursuing.

It’s not the money that is breaking them up, it’s the money that’s uncovering the problems in the relationship.  Who wants to be with someone who shows no drive?  Who wants to be with someone that doesn’t care about a couple’s future and just believes things will work out on their own?  Who wants to be with someone who acts like the world owes him or her something?  That is when money matters.  That’s when it is acceptable to break up over money.  But to avoid someone because they are blue collar or work more than one job to make ends meet and aren’t a doctor – well the problem isn’t really money is it?

Disclaimer: Based on an astute observation made by one of my readers, I need to point out that my blogs are based on my own experiences.  However, men are equally guilty of the behaviors I described above. 

2012: Never Getting Back Together; Like Ever

“Listen, I’ve given this a lot of thought and I have come to the conclusion that things are just not working out,” I said, looking tenderly into the strangely shaped eyes of my current companion.  “It’s not you…it’s me.  I just don’t think I am able to commit anymore to this relationship and it’s better to just end it now than drag it out.”

With that, my year-long relationship was over. Me and 2012 were through. I had to say goodbye. And although I could tell it hurt, 2012 stormed off into the next room, packed its bags and walked out of my life. There was that last blast of alcohol fueled sex on December 31, but come midnight, I found a new year to embrace. There are still some remnants of the past. 2012 and I are sorting through this breakup, deciding on a number of issues. For instance, what will we do about our mutual friends?  I have decided to let 2012 keep racial bias, horrible shooting deaths and natural disasters while I will keep marriage, travel, and hard work, determination and never-quit – “friends” I hope will take me to new heights in 2013.

It’s a shame, because 2012 was actually a great year for me. I got married to the love of my life, celebrated some great friendships in some of the coolest places, happily joined the best new family that anyone could ask for, strengthened bonds with members of my own immediate family, and I traveled all over the world. What more can you ask for, but for every silver, there is a bit of a cloud lining we must endure.

In February, we spent two amazing weeks with friends in India, where I witnessed a beautiful wedding, rode an elephant and saw the Taj Mahal, among other things.  Funny enough, towards the end of the trip, I fell into a hole.  It seems funny, but at the moment, having traveled up the Himalayan Mountains, stepping out of a cab into the pitch black and falling right into a hole, felt like I was taking my last step ever.  It was a strange metaphor for a strange year.  No matter how much fun I could have, there was always a hole around to fall into.I would travel to Montreal for my future brother-in-law’s bachelor party.  It was very cool to see just how many friends would make the trip to Canada.

No obstacle would get in the way of sharing these special moments with their friend.  Even the need for gall bladder surgery didn’t stop one friend from leaving the hospital to be a part of the actual wedding several months later.  When you get older, you assume friendships will change and people will grow apart. Learning that isn’t always true for everyone is a hard pill to swallow when it forces you to re-examine your own life.

I did enjoy my bachelor party in Atlantic City.  It was strange though.  I was celebrating “my last days as a single man,” but I also felt like I was ending a past I had held on to a little too long and starting to open a new chapter of my life. There was a definite shift in the air.  My bachelor party was truly a defining moment in my life.  It was where my past and future met and actually realizing that there was a difference was something I didn’t think would happen on “a night of debauchery.”Getting married is exciting, but no great wedding comes without months of stress. Planning a wedding in Italy was one of the most stressful things I have ever experienced in my life. Going in, I might have also been a little depressed. The lack of fanfare was a stark contrast from the excitement I expressed to those getting married before me as they approached their big day. I guess when you aren’t the first, you are the forgotten, and so, I spent a lot of time a little sadder this year than I wanted to be.

The wedding itself was amazing. Spent in Italy, I couldn’t pick a better place to share my love in front of family and friends. I have to say that September 22, 2012 was the greatest day of my life. It’s strange to say good riddance to a year that contained the most lasting and perfect memory you will ever look upon as fondly as I will September 22, 2012, but there was that strange energy this year.  The wedding in Italy and the honeymoon in Morocco (I rode a camel, too) were absolutely amazing experiences, but there is something to be said about the year everyone thought would be our last.

Upon our return, people began counting down the days until the so-called end of the world on December 21. It didn’t happen, but something did.  In 2012, we all showed our true selves. As an election campaign raged on, Americans showed how much we haven’t moved forward when so many decided that they wanted Mitt Romney to win an election…simply because he was not Barack Obama. Many of these people don’t want to admit it, but race played a major issue in this election. I have never seen a presidential candidate attacked so maliciously as I did Obama. Questioning is faith, his allegiance to America, questions about his birthplace, and yet not one wavering notion away from the last “Great White Hope,” no matter how many new revelations were made about his shady business practices. Justice prevailed, but I still have a bad taste in my mouth, watching as very old school GOP members try just a little hard to make sure “this experiment” fails.Hurricane Sandy hit and people expressed how great it was to see so many people sacrifice to help others in need, but ignored a very big problem. I think the hurricane showed a very greedy underbelly marked by complaints about lack of power, the inability to get gas, and the difficulties driving to work while other people had it so much harder and completely lost their homes in the disaster. My lights didn’t go out, but I would have been fine in the candlelight, just happy knowing that I still had a home to go to. Despite not having homes, the real victims of the Hurricane still had access to social media and I know I would have been hurt to see such petty complaints made while I was suffering from a real tragedy.People then took arms against a Marathon, deciding that this was their way to show support to the victims of Sandy. They forgot that the Marathon was trying to raise money for the victims of the Hurricane and was also one of the only ways runners from other countries could support their families.  In fact, the runners themselves always raise money for different charities going into the race. It sickened me to see people dismiss other people’s dreams while that same week, posting messages in favor of the Knicks and the Giants who were still playing games in New York and pulling away some of the same resources the “horrible” Marathon was going to take away if it went on as scheduled.America also took victims of the Sandy Hook shooting and turned them into pawns to express their support for gun control laws while others turned those victims into reasons why guns are necessary. I think victims should never become tools for a cause. It was like both sides didn’t even remember that innocent people were killed; they just had an agenda to push. Two weeks later, teachers were being trained on how to shoot guns. It was a reaction to such a horrific tragedy. They were there to make sure none of their students became victims.  So, why were they laughing, as if shooting guns was a funny thing you do on a Friday morning?  Perspective people.There was definitely a doom and gloom energy that swept through 2012, but you learn a lot more from the difficult moments in life – those that happen and even those you create for yourself.  You open your eyes and learn about the things you like and the things you can do without.  So, even though 2012 and I decided to part ways, rather than kick her out the door and forget about her, we decided to remain friends.  I go to her when I have troubles and need to remember how to overcome the odds.  And I look forward to my relationship with 2013.  We are getting to know each other and are taking it slow.  She’s a little older and a bit wiser.  I think our relationship might be a little better.  I am taking what I learned from 2012 and applying it to something new.  Big things are going to happen this year.

This Close to Crisis Blog – Year in Review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.  These stats are good.  Because I am highly transparent in everything I do, I thought I would share these stats with my readers.  Once you take a look, make a New Year’s Resolution, to help me do better in 2013.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 5,400 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 9 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Read This Post If You Want A Cure For Cancer

I love social media.  I think it is a great way of staying connected with loved ones in an extremely busy environment.  I think it is a great way to market one’s talent, too, and an excellent way to build communities and share ideas.  However, as I troll Facebook, I have become troubled by what I see.

No, it’s not about people sharing when they wake up, eat breakfast, lunch or dinner, take a dump or go to sleep, nor do my feelings have anything to do with these pictures that double as comments. Those are all annoying (although some are funny), but it doesn’t worry me like a new trend I am noticing does.

It’s the whole like if you want to cure cancer type posts.  I’m seeing them more and more and they are getting worse with each passing day.  The other day I saw the following post: “Like if you believe in God.  Don’t like if you don’t believe in God.” There was even a picture of a dog, which asked Facebook users to “like if they think the dog is cute, comment if they think the dog is ugly.” My least favorite post said: “Re-post this if you’re against bullying. I bet 50% of you won’t re-post, but I’m sure the people with a heart will.” Really?!

Funny enough, the latter post is actually a major major guilt trip, which is a form of manipulation used to bully people into following the whims of the poster.  I found it ironic that they wanted to bully people into supporting an anti-bullying initiative.  And it’s not that I am pro-bully, but I hate the guilt trip. Basically, you’re manipulating people to like your posts, which my sister cleverly calls spiritual and social blackmail. You want someone to like something you support, so you guilt them into it.  It means if you don’t like a post, you hope there isn’t a cure for cancer.  If you choose to keep your beliefs to yourself, you actually make it appear that you don’t believe in God, because you didn’t like their post.  It means you don’t love God?

But here’s the thing; if you do click the “like” button, does Cancer become cured.  If everyone on Facebook clicks the “like” button, do we all get to live cancer free?  This is where the real problem lies.  I think people post these messages and feel they have done their part.  That is certainly not the case. Maybe if you posted, “Like if you want to see a cure for cancer and I will donate X amount of dollars to the Walk for a Cure,” then your social media activity is actually helping to accomplish something.  It’s so easy for someone to make others feel small with these manipulation posts,” but it takes a whole lot more effort to actually step away from the keyboard and do something to support the cause.

I have used social media to help the cause.  I donated money to cancer research, Hurricane Sandy relief and Lupus and I have posted about it and encouraged others to do the same.  The troubling factor is that I am seeing these “Like if you want cancer to end” posts from people who never show support to any cause.  If they want to keep that aspect private, then they shouldn’t address the situation to begin with.  If you cannot donate money during this economy, that’s fine, but instead of manipulating people into liking a post, how about taking part in a cancer walk…and if you are unable to do that…simply post a link to a charity and help the cause in that way.

Likes don’t accomplish anything.  Everyone wants cancer to end.  I can’t imagine anyone wanting people to die of cancer.  Those people may not know where to go to help bring a cure to cancer.  Liking your post accomplishes nothing.  Help make people aware of sites that end cancer.  Make people aware of groups that help address bullying.  And don’t insult puppies.  Dislike!

The Angry Aftermath of the Sandy Hook Shootings

I was set to post a blog last week about how men have gotten weaker throughout the years, but then the shooting in Newtown, Connecticut occurred and it suddenly didn’t seem appropriate to be controversial for the sake of being controversial while so many people had their lives ripped away from them.  I didn’t want to be funny, because every time I read another story about those poor children, my body would shiver.  There had been so many shootings in my lifetime, but something about this one made my skin crawl.  Imagining how someone could walk up to a child and shoot them in cold blood made me so sad, so angry and so frightened by the world around us.

The little boy who told his teacher he knew karate and could help lead them to safety or the one child whose father was a cop that would come protect them.  The little girl who hid amongst other dead bodies and emerged covered in blood, alive, but emotionally scarred for life. Images of the chilling scene of a young Dexter sitting in a pool of blood came to my mind immediately, as I wonder how this young girl will cope with the atrocities around here as she grips with survivors’ guilt, post traumatic stress, and the realization that many of her friends are no longer with her.  I think of the teachers who risked their lives and wonder if I would have the strength to do so, or if I would just freeze in the face of terror.  I would like to think I would protect those around me, but we never know until the moment happens…and we never want that moment to happen.

I get mad at the guy on the train who looks at a picture of one victim and says, “Such a shame…she was so beautiful,” as if he would deal with it better if the woman was ugly.  I get angry at the people who immediately called for gun control, almost gleefully discovering a new tool in their tool box for arguing the need for such measures.  And on the other side of the chess table, these gamesmen who also use innocent victims as pawns, and seem saddened about the tragedy only because they fear it might galvanize some movement to strike against the Right to Bare Arms.  They immediately jumped on Facebook with arguments, literally pointing out that ONLY 37 people die each day due to the unlawful use of guns vs. the number saved by the lawful use of guns.  Only 37…a day.  Just 37…a day.  Less  important people, according to these heartless people, who can only use a terrible situation to push their own agenda.

I get angry that there are people out there who will support a killer on Facebook, posting such horrible messages and joking about a tragedy, because they feel indestructible being able to hide their face behind a computer screen and hurtful words.  I even get angry at those who feel the need to entertain them, fueling their egos, by bombarding them with insults that don’t hurt, but actually justify their sophomoric behavior.

And I get angry at the media.  I used to be a journalist.  I know the rush a writer feels from covering horrific stories.  Why did I end up staying in journalism when I was thinking of leaving to become a teacher?  9-11.  The towers fell and my journalism juices kicked in as I ran from story to story, feeling the adrenaline rush; the source of which were thousands of deaths.  I didn’t even have a moment to mourn or feel bad.  All I did was write, interview, write some more, looking for possible angles that would help “tell the story” that in reality we all know would be more beneficial to my career than those who lost their loved ones that day.

I think that is where my true anger lies these days.  It’s the media that fuels everything I’ve discussed above.  You only realize it when you step away and see it for what it is…men and women doing their jobs (because…let’s be honest…they will get fired if they don’t), not even realizing the damage they are causing, because they lose themselves in their work.

“How did it feel to lose your daughter?”  “Could you describe what it was like to watch those around you get shot?”  “Could you describe what happened,” they asked to the child who could not even comprehend the terror if he even tried.  It’s probably better if she cries on camera, they think of the teacher who told her students she loved them to keep them calm.  It’s a sad reality, especially today, as the competition from blogs continues to grow.

They plaster the killer’s face everywhere…whether it’s the almost iconic image of the Batman shootings or the emotionally disturbed child who went on a rampage he probably didn’t even understand.  They make celebrities of killers.  Name every person killed by Charles Manson?  Name the women killed by Ted Bundy?  In two years, how many people will remember the killer’s name before they remember the children’s names?  We put posters of celebrities in our room as a child; in our dorms as a young adult.  We journalists do the same with killers and it’s a damn shame, because it ends up glorifying their acts of terror, and gives someone equally emotionally unstable a “hero” to fixate on. These children can’t rationalize why what he did was wrong – they just see that he got the attention they would like, too.  We create the killers of future generations and then blame video games, movies, whatever scapegoat we can find, refusing to look in the mirror and stand up for what is right.

I’m angry, because I’m going to celebrate Christmas this year while others will always look at the holidays as a time of sadness.  I’m angry, because nothing will ever change.  We’ll hold memorials.  We’ll make donations.  We’ll hold discussions.  And then time will pass and we will move on.  Journalists will still become bloodthirsty fiends, ready to rip another man’s arm off to get the list of victims from a police sheriff, just to get an exclusive.  We will still see incidents of horror as a reason to become angry with one another over some issue that won’t resolve the tragedy and bring people back to life.  We, the collective majority, will still live on while others die unnecessarily.  Our solution to every problem, as long as it didn’t happen to us, will continue to be – Let’s post on Facebook. Isn’t that all that’s expected of us today.

10 Tips On How To Christmas Shop with Women

It’s that time of the year again, and while you love being able to give gifts to your loved ones, the act of shopping is probably one of the most boring tasks to complete.  It becomes that much worse when your girlfriend or wife is involved. 

Alone, gifts can be purchased rather quickly without any real thought into how it will affect your finances or how it will even be received by the person you are shopping for.  If they don’t like it, they don’t understand the meaning of Christmas – it’s the thought that counts and he or she doesn’t need to know that you put no thought into it at all. 

But with a woman involved, Christmas shopping takes on a new meaning.  Not only are you purchasing gifts for your loved ones, but you are also purchasing gifts for their loved ones.  No longer can you recklessly purchase gifts – now you have to buy gifts perfectly suited to each individual taste (forget gift cards) and you also need to look for the perfect sale.  You must also contend with your significant other’s own desires, so that dress on sale at Macy’s is not for your sister – it’s for your girlfriend and that means she needs to try it on and also debate with herself whether she should be shopping for herself when she is shopping for gifts.  Needless to say, shopping with your girlfriend or wife can be a nightmare, but it doesn’t have to be.  Here are simple tips to help you avoid a desire to throw yourself over a railing at a mall whilst shopping with the woman you love. 

1.  Always seem interested.  If you go into the ordeal in protest, your girlfriend will go into the shopping excursion mad at you and no matter what you do during the trip, her anger will last well into the night.  This is not a good thing, because you then owe her.  This could result in another shopping adventure and we do not want that.  Go into each store with interest – discuss the plan of action and your ideas on what you would like to get for each individual on your Christmas list; offer suggestions when they show you items they are thinking about buying; pick out items you think might work (she will turn those ideas down, but it shows you are trying – big bonus points).  Keep in mind that it is ok to appear clueless, so when you keep picking out one bad item after another, you do look like you are trying, but your girlfriend may need a break from you and decide to go off on her own for a bit.  This is good.  You get a chance to check out video games, large televisions that are certainly unnecessary to purchase, and just recharge those batteries for the next exhausting store you are dragged into.  

2.  Browse for yourself.  When at a store, it is okay to wander off on your own to look for personal items you may need.  You can also suggest splitting up to look for gifts, but keep in mind that your ideas are usually going to be ignored, so if you decide to go down this route, don’t even bother looking for gifts…look for yourself.  Most gifts that your girlfriend is going to decide upon are going to be for women or older men who cannot appreciate fun games and gadgets.  You will be allowed to buy gifts on your own for guy friends and your little brother, nephew or cousin, because your girlfriend will acknowledge that in this department, you actually do know best.  So, when wandering off, stick to these areas.  Look at games, toys, computers, iPods, televisions and so on.  Do not go into aisles your girlfriend will venture off into, even if they are interesting to you (such as kitchen appliances).  Why?  Well, you might think you are getting a jump start by looking through these aisles and reporting to your girlfriend that there is nothing there worth buying, but all you are doing is wasting your time.  Your girlfriend is going to go down the aisle anyway, forcing you to repeat the process, and therefore making the trip that much more excruciating. 

3.  Take breaks when you can.  I was at Macy’s the other day and had no need for a coffee, but shopping at Macy’s is overwhelming and I needed a way to get away, even for a few minutes.  I yawned a little, commented on how tired I was and then conveniently noticed a Starbucks inside the store.  Do not appear selfish either.  I turned to my girlfriend and asked her if she would like me to get her a cup of coffee.  She said no, but said if I wanted a cup, I should go up.  I told her I didn’t want to leave her to get a cup of coffee, but when someone passed by and I said, “Mmmm…frap,” and she said, “go get one if you want,” I jumped at the opportunity.  I appeared that I was being valiant in my effort to stick around and help out more by not going the first time.  It didn’t hurt that I eventually did go.  And when I did, I took my time, but still made sure there was enough frap available to offer my girlfriend a sip.  You should strategically take breaks whenever you can.  The bathroom works, too. Going to the bathroom is an awesome opportunity to take a break.  It allows you to take as long as you want.  Blame the line.  It’s a great way to just relax for a bit when the constant walking and indecision is getting you down. 

4.  Never rush anyone in the last store.  If you have nowhere to go, rushing your girlfriend in the last store will just make her angry, and possibly make her take longer than she should – just on purpose.  If you are smart, you will make your shopping trip part of an all-day event, and make reservations to a restaurant or have tickets for a movie or play.  Then, at the last store, you can say something like, “Damn, I wish we had more time to shop, but the movie is about to start in 30 minutes and train traffic is horrible on the weekends.”  If you didn’t make plans, just know that the last store is usually not the important store, because girls like to get the important gifts out of the way first.  You can wait it out.  For any other store, it is okay to point out that they should speed things up if they want to get to the other stores before they close.  This helps, because it nowhere near implies that you are trying to get out of shopping. 

5.  Bring a book or video player.  If your girlfriend does intend to shop for herself, she is going to pick 30 dresses and only buy two.  That means 30 minutes in the changing room and you sitting there bored out of your mind.  Having a book handy or something to watch will make the experience more enjoyable.  I still don’t get why stores catering to women do not include lounge areas that allow guys to unwind.  I can drink a coffee and relax while my girl shops?!  Sign me up.  It would lead to far less arguments and probably a lot more sales. 

6.  If you are online shopping, girls do not change their habits.  They look at every item in each aisle in the stores, and they will look at every possible item they can look at online.  If you are helping your girlfriend shop online, sit with your laptop on the opposite side of your girlfriend.  Curl up in a way that blocks the screen and keep Amazon.com open.  Then, using tabs that you can x out of quickly, open up other screens and read news, watch videos in silence or chat with friends (not too much – a girl can tell the difference between typing to search and typing to chat.)  Every once in awhile, shout out a suggestion.  When she rejects your idea, put another item up on the screen.  Don’t say anything.  Keep that item there for a few minutes until it is time to shout out the next item she will pan.  This way, if she comes by your computer, you don’t have the old item up on the screen – a dead giveaway that you are not working.  This should always work. 

7.  Always offer to carry bags.  When you are loaded down with bags, you have a right to complain a little about how tired you are or how much your arms hurt.  A caring girlfriend will feel bad and try to quicken her pace a bit to make the shopping experience less painful for you.  After all, you are working hard, carrying gifts that are not even for your family. 

8.  Never eat at the food court first.  If you go to the mall, you must schedule a food court excursion for the middle of the trip.  If you go first, when you are finished with your meal, there is still no denying that you have shopping to do.  However, in the middle of the trip, when your girlfriend or wife is extremely tired, it is a great idea to suggest a break for some lunch or early dinner.  Pick an establishment that serves filling food – the kind that just sits in your belly and anchors you to the floor.  Never mention shopping during your break.  At the beginning, you may have to go over your list, but after that, talk about things that involve being home, curling up in front of the television and just relaxing.  Put her in a mood that has her wanting to do anything, but shopping.  A good meal will leave you a little sleepy…a good meal after a long shopping trip will increase that level of tiredness.  Never suggest going home, but if she says, “Ohhhh, I don’t want to shop anymore…I’m so tired,” jump on it with an encouraging phrase or two.  “You did great shopping today…we can finish the list another time.  It’s okay.”  It’s a good way to cut an exhausting day in half. 

9.  Take on extra work and then blame it on your boss.  “Baby, I can’t go shopping with you today.  I have to finish those reports for my boss.  This sucks.  I really wanted to help, but we can use the extra money with what we are spending on gifts.”  It is always good to mention the economy and how forward thinking you are, while showing that you are helping in your own way.  Then, if she decides to go shopping on her own or with a friend, finish that extra work from the comfort of your home, using your laptop while you watch a little television.  Relax and enjoy your freedom. 

10.  Never go shopping at the last minute.  If you hold off all your shopping until the last minute, you may find yourself shopping from the moment a store opens until it closes at midnight.  The anxiety will force your girlfriend to ignore the hunger pains, and she will not want you to leave her side, because if you go to get coffee, you are not helping in this major moment of need – you become the bad boyfriend.  You will carry more bags, including those hard Macy’s bags with the twine handles that cut into your skin.  You will become angry and rush your girlfriend.  She will get mad.  You will fight.  And she will blame you for ruining Christmas, which means you will have to make it up, either with an expensive New Year’s or the most romantic Valentine’s Day your mind can comprehend – which I know it can’t.  We’re men after all. 

I made it through last year’s holiday rush without a scratch.  Follow these tips and you can have a Merry Christmas, too.